Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Let's Hit the Topics Today

Today is a truly topical Tuesday. I wish that said “tropical,” by the way, because it would mean I was writing this blog from Hawaii instead of Tulsa. Can you tell I'm drafting this on a Monday night? What a difference an "r" makes in a word. Oh well. The blog is merely topical today…my commentary on the latest news that's trending (or hot, I suppose) from around the web.

Trend #1—Stolen Apple Devices and Nazi Police States
Okay, it’s technically not a Nazi police state. It’s California. But the Silicon Valley-based law enforcement group known as REACT—Rapid Enforcement Allied Computer Team—recently went into action big time. I know what you're thinking? REACT sounds like a comic book fantasy hero squad invited by the nerds on the Big Bang Theory, but no. REACT actually exists, because it stomped all over a Gizmodo editor’s house to confiscate computers because Gizmodo (a technology blog) bought the new iPhone prototype for $5,000 from a guy who had no right to sell it.

You heard the story, right? Drunken Apple employee leaves the prototype in bar due to the influence of a heckuva strong beer. Stranger finds the phone, picks it up, and tries to return it to Apple (or so he claims), but Apple won't return his calls (or so he claims). So the stranger sells the phone to the Gizmodo editor, who takes the phone apart and writes about it online, a huge scoop for which he may now go to prison.

Is this all an overREACTion? Perhaps. But the moral of the story remains clear: Do not make Steve Jobs mad.

Trend #2—“Are $200 Jeans Worth It?”
Duh. No. Why are we even asking this question? We don’t even need to hear the story. But if you want to subject yourself to the answer, check out the recent segment that aired Good Morning America.

Actually, the real reason to watch this story is to see the nepotism. The girl testing out the different pairs of jeans is the reporter’s stepdaughter. Why, what a coincidence! Most stepmothers punish their daughters by making them clean up ash and refusing to let them go to the prince's ball. Mom and stepdaughter look like they're nearly the same age, by the way. Interpret that how you will.

Not only does this useless TV segment tell me nothing I don’t know, but then I have to be subjected to the torture of listening to the GMA hosts bullsh—ting each other with their phony laughs and absolutely lame conversation. Does Guantanamo force prisoners to watch this stuff? They should. It’d make me talk. It’s worse than waterboarding!

Trend #3—Illegal Immigrants and the Nazi Police State
I guess I should have saved the Nazi comparison for Arizona. Apparently, the illegal immigration law there is making the illegal immigrants so mad that they’re using their refriend beans to smear swastikas on the state Capitol building. I’m not kidding, although this kind of behavior doesn’t exactly inspire me to argue in favor of keeping these slobs around. And they wonder why we’re trying to kick them out. I wanted to eat those beans! And who’s going to clean up a mess like that, if it’s not the Mexican workers getting paid under the table?

By the way, the Obama administration is considering contesting the law, which by the way simply enforces the fact that it’s illegal to enter this country illegally. Please pass the Excedrin, because I need it. Either that, or Monty Python is back and somebody forgot to tell me about it. Ministry of Silly Walks seems to make sense now, doesn't it?

Trend #4—Poor Sandra Bullock
I know it’s the information age. But sometimes, it's just too much information. For example, it's bad enough to have to hear about Sandra Bullock's marriage trouble. But it's worse to hear about how everyone in the imbroglio is trying to work it out.

Today's latest news: Husband sleeps with a stripper for two years. Then the stripper decides to apologize by fax—yes, fax. That's what I call classy! If you're Sandra, how do you respond? I don’t think Emily Post’s etiquette column has ever covered this scenario. Personally, I think I’d handle it by taking the fax machine and whipping it at my cheating husband’s head. But maybe that’s just the Italian in me.

Trend #5—Boobquake
All I can say is this: If clerics from Iran wouldn’t say stupid things…like claiming it is because so many women dress indecently that we’re suffering so many earthquakes today…then women on Facebook wouldn’t feel it necessary to dress indecently to make a moronic point that nobody cares about except for all the perverts around the country who are thanking God right now that they got a chance today to stare at women’s boobs for free.

In case you’re wondering, I work at a religious nonprofit office so I didn’t participate in this event. But I mainly didn’t participate because the HR lady already sent out the dress code for summer season, and I don’t want to flip her out by violating it so blatantly and so soon. She scares me.

Trend #6—Depression and Chocolate Go Hand-in-Hand
Bad news, everyone. Depressed people eat more chocolate than non-depressed people. Now, I’m depressed because I like my chocolate. And I had chocolate today too. So now, I’m feeling really depressed because I'm probably depressed, because I eat so much chocolate. So now I need to get myself some more chocolate so I can stop feeling so depressed about being depressed because I like chocolate.

This story falls into the category that I like to call, “And they get paid to study this stuff? I’m in the wrong job, aren’t I?” Also, if they do more studies on chocolate, I’d like to participate because it sounds like I’d get to eat chocolate for free. Of course, the researchers can’t tell if chocolate causes depression, or depression causes chocolate. Kind of like what came first, the chicken or the egg. Oh well. I’m still going to eat my chocolate.

I think this is enough rambling for today. See you Friday!

Copyright © 2010 by Michele Chiappetta. All rights reserved.

1 comment:

  1. Michelle,
    Love the topics covered! I actually think your next post should be a video of you ripping the fax machine oh sorry, whipping it across the room. Keep up the great writing girl so I can say I knew you when.


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