In light of new discoveries in health, science, and sociology, the following changes must be made immediately to the celebration of Christmas (er...the holidays) to save the planet from destruction. Please note the following rules and enact them immediately. Thank you.
—The Thought Police
1. Due to the possibility that man has created global warming, Santa Claus is hereby prohibited from flying his man-made sleigh through the atmosphere, as its passage may disrupt the normal function of the ozone layer.
2. In response to a recent study showing that people who get less sleep look (and therefore possibly are) less healthful than those who get a full eight hours of rest, parents are hereby prohibited from staying up until two in the morning on Christmas Eve (as well as other holiday eves and birthdays) to wrap presents or assemble bicycles.
3. As rising diabetes rates are becoming a global concern, cookies are hereby prohibited from being left out for Santa's visit.
4. Due to PETA's recent protests, milk taken from cows, goats, or other animals is hereby prohibited from being left out for Santa's visit. (Note 1: FDA regulations requiring proper refrigeration of milk products also necessitate the prohibition of illegal use of milk for late-night chimney visitors. Note 2: Soy milk may be used as a substitute only if the soybeans are grown organically and harvested by a cooperative in recognition of green-earth policies and fair employment laws.)
5. In an effort to reduce bullying and prevent hate crimes, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer will be escorted to and from Santa's sleigh by a protective detail, and a restraining order of 5,000 yards is hereby instituted between Rudolph and any reindeer who in the past prevented him from playing in the reindeer games.
6. In the spirit of holiday inclusiveness, the seasonal holidays will now officially include the celebration of Festivus, and Festivus poles may be erected anywhere that Festivus practitioners deem appropriate, whether the poles are attractive or not, as long as they do not create a road or health hazard.
7. In the spirit of respecting others' religious or non-religious beliefs, please refrain from using the following phrases: Merry Christmas, Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Merry Festivus, Pleasant Solstice, and It's the Season of Reason. The following phrases, however, are deemed acceptable for public use: Don't Park There, Snow Again?, Where's My Luggage?, and Glad I Have Today Off Because I Don't Feel Like Working.
8. In an effort to distribute wealth equally throughout the world, any gifts that you attempt to give will be forcibly removed from your home or car and sent immediately to orphans in India and Africa.
Thank you for your attention to these matters. We appreciate your cooperation. Have a happy celebration of Where's My Luggage?
Copyright (c) 2010 The Thought Police (aka Michele Chiappetta). All rights reserved.