Wednesday, January 12, 2011

More Fun With Today's Headlines

Periodically, The Chipper Muse looks at headlines and discusses poor copywriting. Why MSNBC is consistently horribly bad in this arena is beyond me. But all these headlines are from today's MSNBC home page. Just to be fair, I stopped by CNN and FOX too, and I can attest that they wrote normal, sensible headlines that I couldn't possibly make fun of. Nope, it's all on MSNBC. They need better writers, and they need to pay them well. That's my guess. Anyway, have fun! And stay warm...it's cold out there.

Headline:  First dead birds, then dead fish...now crickets

Exaggeration only works if we buy into the escalation. But this headline ends on a big let-down. Crickets. Who cares about crickets? And what's next? Fleas? We have to panic about dead fleas! Run, people, run! (By the way, I suspect dead fleas will make it into the next M. Night Shyamalan movie, but you didn't hear that from me.)

Headline:  Despite doughnuts, everyone wins on 'Loser.'

Right, blame the doughnuts, the bad, bad doughnuts. That's the easy way out. I'm going to speak up on behalf of those doughnuts. Sure, they look delicious, just sitting there next to the coffee. But it's not their fault they're good-looking; they were just made that way. What do you want them to do, hide under a burqa and deny the hot goodness that nature gave them? No, if there's a problem, it's  you. You need to lay off the doughnuts.

Headline:  Germany's newest star? A cross-eyed opossum

It was only a matter of time, in our celebrity-fixated culture, before opossums started hitting the big time. You saw Lady Gaga wearing an opossum last time she did an awards show, didn't you? Well, that opossum and his posse of opossums are hitting the club scene in Europe, and they are hitting it hard. One of them is dating Britney. He may be cross-eyed, but he also writes for Conan O'Brien and is starring in Adam Sandler's next movie. This rodent is hilarious!

Headline:  No Twinkies? Vending machines go organic

As far as I'm concerned, the only purpose...the ONLY purpose...for a vending machine to exist is so that I can satisfy my craving for calorie-ridden, artery-blocking junk food when my work day is going lousy. I don't want to go over there to buy my organic apple or some peanuts grown by a collective in South America. Gimme those little powdered donuts and back off with those vegetables. Back, back, back!

Headline:  Is it your clothes that are making you look fat?

Um...yeah. It's the clothes. They're the ones making you look fat. It's got nothing to do with all those donuts and Twinkies you're pulling out of the vending machine.

Copyright (c) 2011 by Michele Chiappetta. All rights reserved.

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