Don’t be alarmed… But if you have Thin Mints in your home, burn them in your fireplace or shove them down your garbage disposal, and do it now, before they lead you into mortal damnation.
Thin Mints are the devil’s instrument, and the Antichrist will be someone who eats them. This is a known sign of the Apocalypse. I can’t give you the scripture reference, but do I need to? You know it’s true. Reject these cookies before they destroy you.
I’m sorry to be the bearer of doom. I know you like Thin Mints. Everyone does. Have you ever met anyone who can eat just one of these sweet little cookies? Me neither. People mainline them—you know, like heroin, the really bad stuff.
What is it about these innocent-looking cookies that drive people off the diet wagon and over the edge in a fat-building cliff dive?
“It’s the ingredients,” you say, “the luscious cocoa married with the rare and delightfully aromatic oil of peppermint.”
Ingredients make crack addictive too, but you don’t see me coercing you to buy it from sad-eyed girls forced to wear green—the most dreaded color in a woman’s wardrobe. That’s abusive.
“These cookies are only 40 calories,” you say. “They’re harmless.”
Harmless? Not if you eat the whole box in one sitting. And that’s exactly what happens. People lose all control eating these wafers of destruction. They down whole sleeves of these cookies in a single snack session. It’s as though lust, greed, and gluttony have teamed up against us. One person against three deadly sins and chocolate mint? That’s a wrestling match you can’t win.
I even have a real-life example of the evils of Thin Mints from today’s headlines. Two roommates in Florida got into a cage match fight over the cookies. Don’t believe me? Here’s the link, o ye of little faith: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/02/22/2011-02-22_florida_woman_busted_for_assaulting_roommate_over_girl_scout_cookies.html.
These cookies force spirituality to its knees.
Yes, Thin Mints are from hell. No doubt about it. So, the next time a Girl Scout shows up with her boxes of evil, slam the door in her face and pray for deliverance.
Copyright © 2011 by Michele Chiappetta. All rights reserved.