Wednesday, March 23, 2011

You're a Sucker (Punch), All Right...

I like a good science fiction/fantasy film as much as the next geeky girl. But I’ve seen the ads for Sucker Punch over and over now, and I have to say, I'd rather watch Gigli.

It’s not just that Sucker Punch is the movie equivalent of at least a dozen games I could play on a PS3 for free instead of watching someone else play it for a fee of $10. It’s not just that the plot seems looser than a Dungeons and Dragons or Super Mario Brothers flick. It’s not even that that the “eye candy” is a bunch of barely legal girls in leather bikinis, without any hot, sweaty men to give me something to look at, too.

It’s the truly crappy writing that really offends me. Look, I’m a writer. I need one of two things from my movies… Either I want intelligent, crisp writing that challenges and delights my brain and ears. Or, I want innocuous, normal writing that sounds real and therefore isn’t irritating as heck.

But bad lines—really bad lines—are INEXCUSABLE! Allow me to make my case with these series of winners from the actual TV ads:

“Reality is a prison.”
“Create your own paradise.”
“Unlock your mind.”
“Escape reality.”
“Begin your journey, and it will set you free.”
“The way out is within your mind.”
“Your fight for survival starts right now.”
“I need to escape from here.”

I need to escape from here, all right. The way out is through the theaters emergency exit. That’s only if you foolishly end up in the theater to begin with. The best way out is to do something else. Anything else. I’m begging you. Don’t give Hollywood any money for this piece of garbage. Vote with your dollars for something you can’t get on your Playstation or Nintendo, for the love of God!

You may think that your dollars don’t matter, but they will if we all join together and resist the “lack of entertainment machine.” Let’s begin our journey toward better filmmaking now, and it will set us free. With popcorn included.

Copyright © 2011 by Michele Chiappetta. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Green Is Your Color

It's Saint Paddy's day tomorrow, and I can already hear it now: "Why aren't you wearing green today?" Ah, the dreaded color Nazis, out to judge me for not wearing a color that I look awful in. I mean, who wouldn't want to look washed out, yellowed, and sick all day long, just to fit in for the celebration of a holiday built around drinking beer?

I can't wait.

Truthfully, I don't do conformity for the sake of conformity with any degree of grace. First of all, I want to choose a shade I look fabulous in. I hate wearing green.

Second, if I'm going to wear green, I want to do it for my own reasons. And I don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day.

Now, I'd be glad to wear green in solidarity with Oscar, who is so poor that he lives in a garbage pail. I'd wear green to justify a karaoke performance of "It's Not Easy Being Green." I might even wear green to encourage people to live cleaner, more planet-friendly lives.

But for beer? Nope. If I'm drinking (which I usually don't), I'm going to do it in a color I'll look pretty in when I've passed out on the floor. Don't consider me a party-pooper. Think of me as someone who feels strongly about exercising my right to choose. 

Have fun in green tomorrow if you like. I'll have fun in another color, thanks. And we'll both be happy.

Copyright (c) 2011 by Michele Chiappetta. All rights reserved.

Friday, March 4, 2011 headlines: This time, it's urinal is obsessed with Number 1...and I don't mean what you think I mean. I'm talking about urine. Today has two...count 'em, two...headlines about this subject. And one right after the other.

This is the first headline:
'Urine' better decision-making shape when you gotta go.

Followed immediately by this headline:
Trash, men urinating take toll on 'sacred' turtle

First of all, did you get the lame joke in that first headline? Urine... You're in... Yeah, I didn't either. But that's okay.

Second, do you realize the contradiction between these headlines? The one is saying you make better decisions when you need to go to the bathroom, while the second one shows the results of poor decision-making (peeing on a turtle).

Third, I don't know who is writing or editing for, but if you think it's a group of third-grade boys who snort when they laugh, you are probably right. Because no one else thinks a pun like 'urine' instead of 'you're in" is funny.

And finally, do these stories really have to "go" one right after the other? Get it? I made a funny too. It's not really funny. But I'll bet the boys at think I'm brilliant.

Copyright (c) 2011 by Michele Chiappetta. All rights reserved.
(But really, do you even want to steal this one? Urine trouble if you do. Harharhar.)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Why You Should Love Charlie Sheen

Okay, that was an attention-grabbing headline. I admit it. I don't know if you should love Charlie Sheen. But I think you might as well get the full level of entertainment, education, and truth that you can out of what looks to be a very ugly train wreck in progress.

First, the laughs, because you need a good laugh:

Get your fill of Sheen quotes with the Random Quote generator at I just hopped on there and got this piece of wisdom: "I don't sleep. I wait." Good, I now have permission to be an insomniac while planning by blitz on coworkers, friends, the media, and chocolate donuts. (That was random. I don't know if Charlie has a problem with chocolate donuts.)

Find out what happens when cats quote Charlie Sheen. Come on, you know you want to. Who doesn't love cats and Charlie Sheen together?

Test your knowledge with the Sheen - Gaddafi quiz. You have to guess which man said what. I only got 4 out of 10, and now I feel like such a loser. Perhaps you'll do better than I did.

Now the sad part:

Why Sheen needs some help, and this really isn't funny. Look, the guy can say he's not bipolar if he wants to, but if he isn't, then he really looks like an a-s-s. You know? And if he is, he should get meds and psychiatric care, if not for himself, then for his kids whom he is going to screw up if he doesn't get help.

Here's to hoping things get better, not worse.

Copyright (c) 2011 by Michele Chiappetta. All rights reserved.