Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Meet Cute. Or Not. The Tulsa Edition.

Wishing for realistic, down-to-earth advice on where to meet men in the Midwest Bible Belt region? Here’s the real dope.

If you’ve read one “Where to Meet Men” article, you’ve read them all. Until today. I’m about to give you the real deal on where find men in Tulsa, or parts like it.

But before I do, let me show you where some of the ladies’ magazines miss it. You see, Cosmo and the other gal guides suggest places that just don’t work in this part of the country. Here’s a quick rundown why:

  • The bar. Sharp inhale! How dare you go to a bar when you could be in church? I mean, really, who raised you? Satan?
  • The bookstore. Weird stare. You actually read? Even now that you’re out of school? Wow. ‘Cause I don’t.
  • Church. Yes. You’d think this one would work, wouldn’t you? Except that it doesn’t, because everyone in church is too busy volunteering in church to notice the opposite sex.
  • The gym. If only the people here went to the gym. Oklahoma is among the fattest states in the nation. Trust me, they’re not hitting the weight room like they should.
  • College coffee shop. Actually, this is true. Except that since I’m old enough to be their mother, I’m not keen on this one. Being a cougar is overrated.

Now, let me explain to you where you can get hit on around here. (All these are true. Or at least mostly true.)

  • A stoplight. This has happened to me twice. Once, it was a toothless old guy leering at me, because he thought he was hot. The other time, it was two teens with a plug-in PA system, broadcasting that I should “look over here.” Thanks, but no.
  • Walmart. This works great for my friend while she’s grocery shopping. Unfortunately, the guys who hit on her are married and standing next to their wives. Sorry, but my friend can do better. In fact, everyone can do better than that.
  • QuikTrip. Not just any gas station. And not just anywhere in the QuikTrip. You have to be at the soda fountain, putting a cap on your drink while some guy eyes you. He’s thinking about taking you to dinner at the taquito/hotdog warmer, but only if you’re lucky.
  • Sunday school. If you are unfortunate enough to attend an adult Sunday school class, you’ll be getting checked out, all right, by all the guys who are 50 and unmarried and looking for new meat. It’s worse than the bar, and not just because you’re sober.

Needless to say, I haven’t found just the right guy yet. (Surprise, surprise.) One day I will. But I suspect it won’t be in Tulsa. Unless I hit my head really, really hard.

Really hard.

Copyright © 2011 by Michele Chiappetta. All rights reserved.