Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Insomnia: It’s Why I Hate You

In yet another piece of depressing science news for women, if you are female and you can’t sleep, it’s going to ruin your marriage. (See the MSNBC article at

Yes, scientists have discovered—in what seems to be an unbelievable coincidence—that when women don’t get enough sleep, they get irritable, moody, and easily frustrated. What a shock. I could have told them that. (And more importantly, they could have paid me to tell them that, and if they had, I’d have some more money right now. But I digress.)

What you really need to know is that, according to science, it stinks to be a woman. Apparently we are not merely made to suffer (C-3PO, eat your heart out), but we also apparently make all the guys around us suffer too. I guess if we have insomnia at the same time we have our periods, scientists will discover we are more likely to start a nuclear war, so you better not vote for us for president. I feel so liberated!

Look… I know some people don’t get this, but I’m going to tell it like it is. My lack of sleep and my menstrual cycle and all the other things that I deal with as a woman do not make me weaker. They make me stronger. I can tolerate pain better than a lot of men I know, because I have monthly practice at it. My mother has always handled being sick with amazing grace because when you have kids, you just have to function, don’t you? And when you’re a writer with deadlines, being sleep deprived and irritable can’t stop you. Because you can’t permit it. So you don’t.

Let me go further by showing you an actual quote from the MSNBC article:

“Insomnia is related to hyperarousal—which means that certain areas of the brain fail to calm down as night comes,” [sleep scientist Dr. Alon] Avidan explained. “In evolutionary terms it made more sense for women, who were the ones who took care of the kids, to be hyper-alert.”

A trait that was once helpful in protecting the progeny from saber tooth tigers [emphasis added] can now be a threat to a modern couple’s relationship.

In other words, it was no problem for the caveman to sleep through a saber tooth tiger attack, as long as the woman woke up to handle it. And this is a negative for the man?

I have news for you, you dumb scientists. You think that the reason I hate you is my insomnia. But you’re wrong. The reason I hate you is that you're dumb. I’m not irritated because I can’t sleep at night. I’m irritated because the reason I can’t sleep is that I have a dumb, male downstairs neighbor who insists on shouting on his phone in the middle of the night and talking outside my window while he waters his marigolds at 1:15 AM. Who’s the problem in this scenario? I’ll give you a hint…it’s not me (the woman)!

Maybe you’d like to do a study on that. And when you decide to do that, call me. I’ll tell it like it is. And I deserve to get paid for it too.

For more chipper musings on being a woman in the modern world, check out these posts:

Copyright © 2011 by Michele Chiappetta. An irritable Chipper Muse today. All rights reserved.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, and as it turns out, today is National Man Day. Talk about irony!


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