Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Confessions of a Cyberchondriac

Hi, my name is the Chipper Muse, and I'm a cyberchondriac. Let me tell you my story...before I am too sick to write.

Courtesy of Google Image
In case you've never heard of a cyberchondriac, don't worry. I hadn't either. In fact, I didn't even know I was a cyberchondriac until just five minutes ago, while I was reading the news online. Thank goodness I read the Internet a lot, or I would never know these things! I feel so much better now that I know how sick I am.

A cyberchondriac is a person who thinks she has sicknesses based on symptoms she hears and reads about through cyber sources, like the Dr. Oz Show and WebMD. (At least, that's what I read on, and I believe it, because it's on the Internet, for crying out loud!) 

Cyberchondria isn't just a run-of-the-mill problem. It's one of the most important diseases known to man. It saves the lives of many people each year, people who have odd symptoms like aching legs and indigestion, only it turns out they are really having a heart attack.

Think about it... If they blew off their condition, they could die. But they didn't blow the symptoms off. No, they tuned into Oprah and learned that they might be having a heart attack between listening to stories about Stedman (who is he anyway?) and wondering exactly how many hairstyles Oprah has had over the years (I think it's hundreds, but I've lost count). I admire people who take that kind of initiative about their own health.

I'm proud to admit I have this disease. One day, it's going to save my life. Like today, when I went on WebMD to investigate what it means to have a nosebleed. I didn't bleed much (actually not at all), and my nose is definitely dry because it's so cold out and the air is too dry in my workplace. I mean, I easily could have mistaken my dry nose passages and possible future nosebleed as no big deal. But thank God for the Internet, because now I know I probably have hemophilia. Like the children of Queen Victoria. God bless the Queen! I share something in common with European royalty. I feel so special! And so sick!

Courtesy of Google Images /
If you're feeling really jealous right now, don't! You can become a cyberchondriac too. All it takes is TIVO and a computer, and an obsessive-compulsive need to find desperate illnesses in the aching toe that you just stubbed. I mean, come on. That's not hard at all! You can even use your smartphone to search for symptoms when you're on the go. What a perfect way to spend your time as you wait for your appointment at the doctor's office. When he finally takes you in for your exam, you can tell him how to do his job, and you can certainly ask for the medicines you need, especially if you've been making notes based on the drugs advertised on TV.

Now that I've enlightened you about cyberchondria, I hope you'll be motivated to take action. Pay attention to your body right now, and feel how sick it is. Then look up your symptoms on the Internet so you, too, can start getting treatment for whatever rare disease you have. You know you have one, so why not treat it, starting today? You'll be glad you did.

If you want to learn more about cyberchondria (and who wouldn't?), here's an article on CNN to explain how you can become a cyberchondriac just like me.

And here's a link to WebMD's symptom checker, so you can go straight there after reading this blog post to find out how sick you really are. (Trust me, you are really, really, really sick if you can just learn to look at your life properly.)

Copyright (c) 2011 by M.A. Chiappetta. All rights reserved.


  1. hehehe.


    but you amuse me :D.

    the real question is if you would be a hypochondriac if you weren't a cyberchondriac? :D


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